The "Heart-Breaker" Sweater Review (or, Why I Need Hazard Pay)
, by Molly Anderson, 2 min reading time
The "Heart-Breaker" Sweater Review (or, Why I Need Hazard Pay)
By: Frankie’s Mom
Let’s be honest: visually, this sweater is a 10/10. It’s the kind of knitwear that makes you want to book a professional photoshoot and start a Pinterest board. But physically? It’s a combat sport.
If I could give the designers one piece of advice, it would be this: make it a button-up. Putting a standard knit over the head of a 14lb dachshund who has the flexibility of a noodle and the jaw strength of a saltwater crocodile is... an experience.
The Struggle is Real (and Pointy)
Frankie doesn't see this as "seasonal fashion." She sees it as a soft, pink cage that she must destroy to regain her honor. Between the "Alligator Roll" she performs the second a sleeve touches her paw and the tiny, needle-sharp teeth that think the hem is a snack, I’m lucky I still have ten fingers.
She doesn’t understand why she can’t get it off. She doesn’t understand why it doesn’t taste like chicken. She just knows that Mom is making her look "adorable" and she would very much like to speak to a lawyer.
The "I’m Sorry I Put You In This" Gift Guide
If you’re brave enough to try the "over-the-head" maneuver with your own land-shark this Valentine’s Day, you’re going to need bribes. Lots of them.
Shop the Look & The Peace Offerings:
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[Pink & Heart Sweaters]: Including the one that made Rupert ghost her. (Worth it for the drama).
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[Frankie’s Valentine’s List]: My hand-picked Amazon favorites, from heart-shaped plushies she can actually chew to the high-value treats I use to bribe her into sleeves.
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[The "Long Dog" V-Day Collection]: Our custom-designed dachshund-themed gear! Because if you’re going to be a "Dachshund Mom," you might as well wear the uniform.
The Verdict: Buy the sweater for the 30 seconds of cute photos. Buy the treats to ensure your survival.
Stay toxic, friends. (And stay stylish).
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